Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
3pm strippers are depressing
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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