She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
