I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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