i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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