Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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