I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
