Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
