do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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