My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
