Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
