you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
