I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
