Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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