first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your penis caused this!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
