i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
