You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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