Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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