the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
