I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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