I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Girls should come with a carfax report
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
