I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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