Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize