Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
