I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
