he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
