I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
