Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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