I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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