I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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