So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
