mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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