There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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