I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
