Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I am one with the molecules
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
