Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize