i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
