I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
