Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
