would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
