Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
