You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
