the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
