Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
