She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
