I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
