After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
