Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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