areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There's always time for handjobs
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
