i think my tv is drunk
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
