i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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