it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize