i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
