i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
