So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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