Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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